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by Darklady
11/26/2003
Cynical shoppers find twisted online paradise.
In case you’ve been living in a cave and somehow avoided learning the
horrible truth, it’s time once again for National Shopping Season. Whether
you’re guilt tripped into bankrupting your future due to religious
motives, habit, tradition, a whiny partner, or in order to prove you’re
some sort of super patriot, chances are good you’re going to be whipping
out your wallet soon and handing over your hard earned cash for holiday
gifts. Since you’re such a deep, introspective, and thoughtful sorta dope,
you’re going to want your gifts to reflect that fact – so that you’re
loved one can’t forget… until the next time social pressure demands that
you once again prove the fact by spending money.
To hell with that.
Or, more accurately, get your sorry holiday tormented ass over to T-Shirt
Hell (http://www.tshirthell.com). God knows that if I had any money to
spend, this is where I’d be dumping it like a body after a mob hit. Where
else can those of us who, unlike everyone else, are truly caring fully
express our deep contempt – I mean, deep appreciation -- for the Reason
for the Season and all who use it as an excuse to get other people to buy
them things? When I visit the malls it’s all cinnamon spiced candles and
fluffy stuffed animals and sparkly jewelry and blahblahblahfuckingblah.
Mall flavored gifts for mall flavored friends and family.
My friends and family are different. Just like everybody else’s… only
different. For the past two years Alexa.com’s number one rated online
t-shirt retailer has been catering – nay, pandering – to people different
just like me. I don’t even know how many of my sick and twisted friends
have sent me the T-Shirt Hell link. And every time they send it, I go see
what’s offensive, politically incorrect, thought provoking, and funny as
heck.
At T-Shirt Hell nothing is sacred – and response to social change is
amazingly quick. For instance, it was mere days ago that Michael Jackson,
the poster child for Peter Pan Syndrome, was once again accused of getting
fuzzy on the whole good touch/bad touch issue – and the site has already
capitalized on the situation. God bless America, indeed! But if MJ isn’t
your cup of chai, there’s Jesus, Paris Hilton, Kobe Byrant, race, sex,
abortion, and a variety of diseases to roast like chestnuts over a warmly
humorous fire.
If you’re such a social rebel that t-shirts aren’t your bag, baby, then
there’s always underwear. Of course, I’m such a social rebel that I don’t
wear underwear, so don’t bother sending me any. But most of my friends
wear the stuff, so I figure there must still be people who wear the stuff
and would just love to have clever slogans like “Free with your purchase
of one dinner,” “Vegetarian? My cock is made of soy,” or “Attention
Paramedics: These were clean this morning” nestled next to their pubes.
Male pubes or female pubes; T-Shirt Hell doesn’t care. After all, it’s the
holiday season right? Hell, the site even has clothes for babies, which
only makes sense since they’ve got to be some of the most deceptive,
high-maintenance, do-me queens on the planet. I can’t think of anything
more festive than a red faced squaller with spittle trailing out of its
slack jaw and onto a t-shirt reading “Are you my daddy?” Of course, the
Catholic upbringing in me thrills to “I enjoy a good spanking,” while the
medicinally sensitive part of me giggles knowingly at the subtle message
communicated by “Potty head.” Therapists the world over will be able to
look back on this site and thank it for putting their own brats through
European boarding schools someday.
Since you’re going to plunk down hard earned money that could have gone
toward improving your porn collection, you might as well do it in style,
right? T-Shirt Hell is your bitch, once again. Because it understands, the
site owners offer wrapping paper that really shows how much you care.
Whether you want to remind your selfish loved one that “More than 600
children die of starvation each day in Ethiopia,” warn them away with
biohazard emblems, freak out the idiots that work at airport security with
“This gift is the bomb” paper, or agree to society’s demands for festivity
by declaring “Happy fucking whatever,” you’ll find the medium for your
message here. True traditionalists will love the white skulls on black
background paper, the gangbang elves paper, and the festively decorated
crucified Christ paper. Nothing says “taste” like a gift from T-Shirt
Hell. Of course, it says “bad taste,” but that still contains the word
“taste,” right?
Frankly, given what losers most of us hang out with and the mall flavored
crap they’re probably going to give us, they’re lucky we give them
anything.
The greedy little hearts of webmasters interested in making a fast buck
will beat faster knowing that T-Shirt Hell has an affiliate program.
People who think they’re particularly clever will have the opportunity to
make fools of themselves by submitting their so-called witty t-shirt
slogan ideas to the site’s never ending contest. Customers with absolutely
no sense of propriety can send photos of themselves wearing a T-Shirt Hell
garment in the hopes of having it posted and winning five shirts. The
unspeakably desperate for attention can buy email accounts with supposedly
subversive names. And writing whores like me can get their work published
on the site by pimping T-Shirt Hell in articles like this. No word on
whether we get any free swag, however
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